Through the Dark
Okay, I’m going to live up to rookiemistake1204, write some personal trash on this post, give it a name that’s actually a song, then pass it off as good content before I go to sleep.
Today was a weird day. It started off without my typical morning – I woke up at 7:38 which is very late for me – then moved along slowly, telling myself it’s okay to spend one Sunday being lazy, then binged on an Instagram profile (don’t ask me how you do that), then worked some, then wondered about Kanye West some, then tried continuing my work and failed, and now, here I am.
There’s been a bunch of things going on in life lately, and I’m finding it hard to wrap my head around them. Two years ago, when I started college, I thought my life was back in place. But as time passed by, I started noticing every little thing that needs changing. For starters, I was very late to the party. People had figured out what they wanted to do and started working towards it much before me. But I’ve already spoken about that, so I’ll move right along. And then I realised that I was letting things affect me more than I care to admit. Little things that people tell me in the span of one day, just ruin my entire day. And it’s got to a point where I feel like I’m not even in control of my own emotions. It sucks to feel like someone else is on the driver’s seat. So, I began to take charge of my life.
I came to the understanding that this thing right here – this whole writing thing – is the only thing that I truly have. Yes, I have a couple of interests here and there and you can even say I’ve got some talent in those other things, but this here is the one thing about which I will always be confident. So, I revamped the website, categorised my content and just started working on this like it’s the only thing that’s capable of saving me.
But lately, I’ve been wondering – I’m a film student. I absolutely love the art of film making and I wholeheartedly want to pursue it. But what if the reality of the matter is that I don’t have any talent for it? If this writing thing is the one thing that’s actually going to save me, then why am I wasting all that money on film school? It’s not even my money…
There have been some random sources of motivation along the way – two people that I went to school with both told me about how they “looked up to me” or about how I’m “inspiring” and I’d be lying if I said those lovely little remarks didn’t make me feel better. And there’s the fact that I’m working on a film this semester – I’m actually directing it, which I’ve never done before. The fact that the rest of my team has that confidence in me also makes me feel better.
To be honest, I’m sick of myself. I hate these four walls, I hate being stuck inside, I miss college, I miss the physical experience of being in a class. And the horrible thing is that I know that the whole world is going through this, I know that I just need to hang in there, I know that I’m privileged to have even a roof over my head and meals to get through the day. And all of that makes me feel guilty about feeling bad.
The one thing that I’ve come to realise is that this hustle culture is kinda messed up. I’m barely 20 years old. What am I doing worrying about money and jobs and all? Yes, it’s definitely good to start thinking about those things at an early age. But there’s no actual growth happening here, only pressure. Everyday, I feel more and more pressurized to go out there and bag myself a paid opportunity. Everyday I see someone’s story or post on Instagram and wonder why I’m not doing that same thing – even if ‘that same thing’ has nothing to do with my actual passion.
Damn it, I’m supposed to be screwing up right now. I’m supposed to be spending time with my family, living in the moment, eating junk food and passing out before 9 cause I’m tired of all the fun I’m having. Instead, I’m beating myself up over screwing up, spending all my time in front of this machine (that also needs a break, by the way), thinking way into the future and worst of all, eating healthy? What is happening right now?
Don’t get me wrong, I love this. I love writing, I love my freelance work, I love the actual work itself, I just hate the pressure that surrounds it.
You know what’s worse? What’s worse is that I know all of this. I know how to feel better. But I can’t get myself to do it. And time is supposed to be the ultimate healer. But god knows, what with everything that’s going on right now, that advice isn’t helping anyone.
Okay, I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I’d really love to have someone with whom I could talk. But everyone seems to be hustling away, it feels stupid to bother them with this kinda thing. Hit me up if you’re feeling the way I do – maybe I’ll find a better way to end this post.
Title Credits: Alexi Murdoch